Oh, Come On!

Really, Mr. Aganga? Is this the best you can do? I thought you Nigerians at least attempted to make your offers a little bit believable, but this has desperation written all over it. First, we have this (slightly edited):

This is to officially inform you that we have verified your Payment file presently on my desk, and I found out that you have not received your payment due to your lack of co-operation and not fulfilling the obligations giving to you in respect to your fund's transfer.Secondly, I have confirmed that you had been dealing with non officials of the bank...therefore you are warned to stop further communication with those hoodlums claiming to be staff of the bank,while they are not, as this is an illegal act and will have to stop if you so wish to receive your payment immediately.

OK, that could almost arouse my curiosity. I like your choice of the Prohibition-era word “hoodlums”—send the G-men after those mugs! Then you continue:

And also the Nigerian Government is using this mean to rewards all the citizens of the United states and all part of Europe including Asia, Australia, South America, Canada, Antarctica e.t.c and all those who have lost their funds in either scam or an uncompleted transaction, or otherwise...

I see. You're rewarding all the citizens of virtually every continent on the planet. Nice of you. And then:

You should know that if you are interested to receive your ATM card which will be credited with $9,000,000.00(Nine Million United States Dollars only)

Only nine million US dollars? Fuck off with your cheap-ass kiddie cash! But go ahead, tell me what I have to do—if it’s real easy I'll consider taking time out of my busy Charlie teh Unicron viewing:

If you like to receive your fund this way, kindly contact me with the following information’s below.

(1) Your Full Name

(2) Full residential address

(3) Phone and Fax Number

(4) Occupation.

(5) Personal Identification. Driver’s license or International Passport.

(7) Age

(8) Marital Status

(9) Sex

Oh, no problem! I actually have all of that printed on 3 x 5 index cards; I'll mail you a gross of them so you can distribute them to all your pals.

Oh, and also—bite me.