The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Dogs

1. When farting, ensure that the butt is pointed directly at the other members of the pack. If a tooting sound occurs, act surprised.


2. Be sure to eat every molecule of food that falls on floor, ground, furniture or lap. No other food may be forthcoming, ever.


3. Don't just bark at other dogs. Bark at other dogs when the other members of the pack are on the phone, having a quiet moment on the toilet, or baking a soufflé.


4. If it stinks, dive in. If it reeks, dive in with a full shoulder roll and flail all four feet in the air as though you were fending off a flying enemy.


5. Confront cats—they're smug and need to be taken down a peg. The black ones with a big bushy tail and white stripes down the back are particularly asking for it.


6. Never do number one or two on carpet unless you and the rest of the pack are visiting the in-laws.


7. Neutered schmeutered. If the animal control person's leg looks humpable, get busy.